Years Of Adverbs
by XtaticPearl
Summary: Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak started out as friends and should have continued to be that. When things changed between them, they found that love might be more hard-work than they had imagined. This is a tale of love facing, fighting, failing and succeeding against the challenges of life.
1. Chapter 1

Bite. Munch. Spit.

It was a routine he had perfected in the past hour. The floppy haired boy looked at the plastic box of red, diced of fruit on his lap and picked another one. The carefully collected seeds on the lid of the box were sliding against each other with each movement. As the juice rushed out of the watermelon into his mouth, he picked at a string of fruit fallen on his blue shorts. It was an unusual dress to wear at a hospital but he didn't really have much choice. It was either this or waste 20 minutes in changing into something more respectable. He didn't think Dean would appreciate 20 minutes of blood loss for a pair of jeans and a tee.

"Samuel?" The young nurse who came out the ward looked at the sweaty young boy with a lap full of red mess and shook her head slightly. Sam didn't really care. Carefully placing the box on the seat beside him, he covered it with the lid of seeds before brushing off his shorts. The tiny bits of juicy watermelon that had escaped his mouth fell on the pristine white floor making the nurse purse her lips. Sam knew that look and had learnt not to react, choosing to walk past her silently into the ward of his idiot brother.

"Hey there _Samantha_!" Dean grinned from beneath the bunch of bandages on his face. There was dried blood on his hair and surely on his torn up tee, but Dean didn't look like he noticed that. Sam rolled his eyes and twitched his mouth slightly before settling down on the hard metal chair near the bed.

"Hey back at you Assbutt." Sam flicked at the unhurt arm beside him receiving a yelp and glare from his brother.

"Is that a way to treat your injured older brother? No manners man. My heart bleeds little bro, it bleeds!" Dean clutched at his chest mockingly.

"Yeah right, your heart on the _right side_ bleeds." Sam replied deadpanned, gesturing to the hand clutching the right part of Dean's chest.

"Yeah, well, I've got a large heart. Takes up more space." Dean stuck out his tongue at his younger brother before winking at the nurse who had just entered the room again.

At 13, Dean Winchester was the corniest flirt Sam had seen. And he had seen his share at The Troy Simon Home for the Abandoned. Not to mention, Dean was friends with the sleaziest con-man ever– Sonny. Yet, somehow Dean managed to charm people more than the others. It was this very 'charming' side that had gotten him a broken rib, jaw and an almost bitten off ear. It was probably tame to what could have happened though.

"So..Robin." Sam said without making it sound like a question. He saw Dean grin again at the name and resisted the urge to whack his head.

"She saw it all Sammy. Was the best fight ever. I think she'll ask me out at school." Dean looked smug like he had just won a National Level Spell Bee. More like a National Level Crochet Competition, Sam thought, looking at the small bundle of yarn Dean had picked from his wool bedcover.

"Oh, she'll definitely ask you out. The bruise fetish and all" Sam said nonchalantly "The question is, will your head survive another baseball drumming? You know that Lucifer will finish the job this time right? You're messing with his girlfriend Dean. It won't be a pretty bump on the head. He'll pretty much use the blade and carve out a nice Halloween pumpkin out of you."

Dean raised an eyebrow at the reference but somehow it didn't prove effective with the bandages covering most of his forehead. "Lucy-pie can carve out a nice rosette from his candy garden for all I care. I'm not scared of him Sammy."

It always came down to this. 'I'm not scared Sammy', 'I don't care Sammy' or 'Don't worry too much Sammy or you'll pop like a popcorn'. It was always one of these phrases that ended a conversation for Dean. Sam wanted to go beyond that today and opened his mouth to reprimand his brother when they heard a light knock at the door.

Sam turned to see a young boy with neatly combed brown hair. One hand rested on the door handle lightly and the other was clenched at his side. He was one of those 'pure-bred kids' Dean always referred to. Crisp white shirt with an indigo tie, smooth pressed dark trousers with not a single crease, spotless black Sunday church shoes and one of those black rimmed rectangular glasses on his nose. He was the kind of guys Sam and Dean wolf whistled at when coming back from school. Well, Dean whistled. Sam simply supported the whistle, silently. Now, this boy of about Dean's age stood in the dingy floor cleaner smelling hospital room, looking like he wanted to _talk_ to them. Sam noticed the boy's eyes trained on Dean and opened his mouth to call him in when, as usual, Dean beat him to it.

"Well 'lo there Snow White. Lookin' for a lost dwarf?" Dean drawled in his well-practiced 'cool guy with extra sexy' voice while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Sam saw the boy's eyes narrow slightly at the nickname but the next second he was back to normal.

"You are free to go home." The boy said in a voice that meant ' _You are free to kiss my ass'_. He made no move to come into the room, his sharp blue eyes focussed on Dean.

"Aww really? No send-off party or giveaway goodies? Now what kind of discharge would that be? Boring right?" Dean acted like the perfect jerk he believed he was. He even gave an eyebrow wiggle for extra effect. Something that seemed lost on the boy.

"A party is deemed appropriate to celebrate an extraordinarily excess amount of joy. One not quenched by an exaltation of higher powers or inappropriately high pitched squealing. Then again, your departure does seem to spell joy in its most intense sense." The boy replied with a tone used by ridiculously boring teachers, old stuffy Court men or Queen Victoria.

"Excuse me?" Dean squeaked, apparently just as dumbfounded as Sam was. Of course, Sam's mouth wasn't hanging down like Dean's was, but still.

"All right, you're excused too. Now, you are free to leave." The boy nodded once with a stiff posture before turning to leave. He seemed to pause for a moment and half turned towards the still open-mouthed Dean. "A candy garden sounds nice. Though, a pie orchid would be easier to carve from. " He said before marching out. Sam realized that he had heard Dean's remark before he came in and stifled a laugh at the dry remark. Dean though seemed to have no qualms about laughing out loud.

He was still laughing when the doctor came in after fifteen minutes. Apparently, the boy was the doctor's son and had come to deliver his message.

"He got a name your Snow White?" Dean asked the doctor as he slipped into a dirty old spare tee.

Dr. Novak looked slightly annoyed by Dean's nickname but stayed quiet. It wasn't the first time he had met Dean Winchester. The boy had a knack for splitting up organs and he seemed to be the only doctor who had patience enough to treat him without doing additional damage.

"Castiel. His name is Castiel. And you better stay away from him boy" the doctor wagged a finger in front of Dean's face. Dean simply smirked and winked his thanks. and Dean had an unusual understanding. Dean didn't bother the Novak house with his gang of unruly boys and the doctor in turn patched him up every time he came in with bruises.

" _C'mon_ doc, the boy gave me the telling off Sammy here wouldn't give and that's all I can know about him? My healthy curiosity is hungry! How come I don't see him here before?" Dean tried a bit more. Sam looked at him with a question in his eyes but Dean shut him up with a look.

Dr. Novak narrowed his eyes at Dean and it looked so much like the boy's stare had been that Dean grinned wider. After a few more minutes of silent staring the doctor huffed and opened the door for Dean to leave. Any other normal guy would take a hint but Dean hadn't learnt the art of hints yet. He wouldn't take it even if it was spelled with neon lights on a giant billboard. He stayed put, looking expectantly at the doctor. Sam was sure they would be kicked out this time.

"Dean.." the doctor signalled with a slight warning in his voice.

"It's just a normal question doc. Haven't seen him here before and I've seen all your people. So, where's he been at?" Dean was big at prodding the lion with a hot rod and he wasn't going to back down from the doctor.

Dr. Novak sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose slightly "He was..in New York. And that's all I'm giving. You want more, you've just got to ask him at school." The doctor's voice was firm and Dean simply nodded his head before walking out with Sam.

"What was that all about?" Sam asked as soon as they reached the gate of the hospital. He saw his brother look at the blue sky for a minute before he turned and grinned at him.

"That, little brother, is Lucy-pie's saviour." Dean quipped with a wide grin as he kicked a small stone on the street.

"Lucifer's saviour? What do you mean?" Sam persisted as he walked beside an insanely happy looking Dean. Did they feed him some drugs or something, Sam wondered.

"I _meaaaan_ " Dean replied in sing-song as they turned around the corner towards the Home, "Robin's out of the scene now."

No Sam was really confused. What exactly did the boy..Castiel, have to do with Robin? "English please?" Sam asked with a scrunched face.

Dean rolled his eyes at his younger brother's snail paced brain. "Robin isn't on my interest list anymore. So, Lucy-pie doesn't have to get his butt bashed by me. Hence, Lucy-pie's saviour." Dean drew an imaginary flowchart with his fingers as he explained the most obvious thing in the world.

Sam knew all about the 'interest list'. A hand-picked group of people Dean thought _worthy_ enough to give his attention. Charm and wrap around his finger rather.

"Oh no..No, no, no. No ways. Dean, this is the Doc's son. Son. He's not the type you want to mess with." Sam tried to make his partly mummified brother see sense. What drugs had he taken after all?

Dean grinned his wolf-grin at Sam's panicked face. It should be noticed that Sam hadn't pointed out that Castiel was a boy. Well, that was because it never mattered. Sure, it mattered to Dean, when he wanted things serious. But when he was in his charming mode, it never came in the way. He had always known his power over people. Girls and boys. You just needed to ask Chuck from the store to know how much power. Dean was a charmed magnet and the others were iron balls. Balls were always attracted to him. Ok, that didn't sound right, Dean thought as he noticed Sam glaring at him.

"Calm your pants Sammy boy. I'm just looking to loosen up Snow White. Can't have California frozen by his snowy-ness right?" Dean winked at Sam as the other grunted in frustration.

"You'll land in a cake of trouble. With an expensive cherry on top. Can't you just..let it go?" Sam tried one last time as they climbed up the stairs of the dingy building. The Home was the last place you could call home but it did its purpose of giving a roof. For the past 9 years, the boys had holed up in the shack with 15 other boys and the half-blind Simon.

"I like cake and things are gonna be just fine. You worry too much Sammy." Dean chided without looking at his brother as he flopped on the bug-bitten bed. "One day your head is gonna.."

"..pop like a popcorn. I know." Sam completed the usual dialogue as he lay on his mattress. Well, if Dean was hell-bent on going to hell, he couldn't really stop him. Maybe he could have some fun from this, he thought, as he remembered Castiel's smart-as comeback earlier.

Three streets away, Castiel looked into the mirror and found the blue eyes of his dead mother staring back at him. He just wanted to forget it all. That's why he had moved to California from New York. Taking a deep breath, he walked to his neatly set bed and sat down with fluid grace. _This is going to be a good beginning_ he thought to himself as he looked at the clock ticking away. He couldn't wait to join the new school.

Dean had no such thoughts as his eyes closed with drowsiness. _Castiel_ his mind thought with amusement _this is going to be a fun ride_.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop fiddling with my bag and get your books out" Castiel didn't look up from the book as he reprimanded his cousin Gabriel. The blond and skinny boy stuck his tongue out at the back of Cas' head and dropped the bag he was ruffling through. The first day of school and Cas had begun bossing his way around his dorky cousin. It was as appealing as a 'cactus salad' according to Gabe. He simply wished Cas would strip out of the prickly armour and relax like a normal homo sapien.

Well, he was sure not getting any luck today.

"Hiya there Snowy!" a mass of dangly arms and knees flopped down in the seat next to Cas making the bespectacled boy jump. Technically it was a jerk, but in Cas terms, it was a high jump mixed with a pole vault. He looked sideways to see.. _him._

"Snowy? Like Snow White?" Gabe asked with barely contained laughter from behind Cas.

"Really", Cas thought, "if he held it back any harder it would come out of his rear end."

"No Gabriel, Snowy as in the remains of when hell freezes over." Cas muttered in a deceptively calm voice, ignoring the snort from Dean.

"Aren't you in a peachy mood" Dean observed as he comfortably invaded Cas' personal space and picked up a pencil from the neatly arranged stationery on the desk. He caught the knee-jerk grab attempt from the boy and grinned to himself.

"Control issues..", Dean thought to himself, "interesting."

The day was no less than a concentration camp torture for Cas. He couldn't breathe, speak, walk or read without a sugar-high, wood-pecker possessed Dean Winchester hovering around him. He still couldn't believe the boy thought it was okay to talk about _clogged drainage_ while peeing. Continuously.

Cas had been tested to the edge of his patience but had managed to not wring the boy's neck. It was irritating at its best but Dean had never meant him any harm. Cas couldn't really bother about a little nagging and teasing from a partially plastered boy. That is until he saw Dean following him back home.

"What do you think you're doing?" he questioned as the boys took out their bicycles from the shed. There was no way Dean could follow him around _flirting_ , while he went back home. Cas imagined the face of Lucifer, Gabe' elder brother, if he saw the scene. Nope, no way.

"Why, coming with you, of course." Dean replied in a voice that said _what else would I do with a boy I met a day before and did not know?_

"Coming with me." Cas repeated in a slow pace.

"Yep"

"To my ..house."

"Yep di doop."

There was a stretch of silence where Dean righted the chain of his bike and Cas stared at him with slightly narrowed blue eyes.

"Oh ok then" Cas nodded his head and took out his bicycle to the rood, seeming fine with the idea.

Dean stood stunned for a moment before rushing behind him. "Ok then?!" he sputtered, looking at the side profile of the slightly shorter boy.

"Of course. You wish to come home with me." Cas looked perfectly okay with the idea which made Dean nervous. _What was going on here?_

The teenagers rode their bikes in silence till they reached the Novak residence. Dean would have loved to rattle the other boy a little more but something about his sudden acceptance puzzled and scared him. _If I get attacked by a giant panda wearing a tutu in this house, I am definitely going to sue the doctor_ Dean decided as he looked at the stark white double-storeyed house. He caught Cas smirking at him knowingly and made a face. _Easy for him, HE must not be scared of pandas. And his smirk is definitely not as good as mine_ , Dean reassured himself as he waited for Cas to make his next move.

"Welcome to my abode" Cas gestured at the door and signalled that Dean walk in first. If he wasn't creeped out yet, Dean was certainly in serious jitters now. There was always something wrong with people who said words like "abode", right?

Pulling himself up a little, Dean gave Cas a fake smile and went up the front stairs to the door. He could almost sense it, the vibes that said _you-will-be-eaten-as-panda-dinner-today_ as he stood in front of the dark redwood door.

"The door opens _after_ the doorbell is rung." Cas reminded sagely as he enjoyed the other boy's nerves. Dean shot him the stink eye before pressing down on the door-bell a couple of times. He reached 9 in his mental countdown when the door opened to a tall, beefy jock. Specifically, a tall, beefy, _confused_ jock. It could also be anger, Dean never could tell the difference with the scrunched up pooping face.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Lucifer growled at the guy he had beaten up just yesterday. The little rat had practically asked for it when he flirted with his girlfriend, Robin.

"I'm here on a date with the new hottie in town, Lucy –pie" Dean goaded with a waggle of his eyebrows. He saw Cas from the corner of his eye and felt better when the boy simply rolled his eyes. Sam would have smacked his head for the stupidity but Lucifer always seemed to bring out the worst from Dean.

Before the older guy could rip him a new set of organs, Dean saw Cas push his way through into the house.

"Pipe down there Luce. No need to burn up the minimal oxygen in your brain. We can't have dad cure an aneurysm if your brain shrinks any further, can we?" Cas calmly put a distance between the boys, ignoring the chuckle from Dean. _He laughs too much at his own doom_ , Cas thought as he saw Lucifer turn his 'angry boar' gaze to him.

" You brought _him_ home, Castiel? Do you _know_ who he is?!" Cas couldn't tell if Luce knew, but he really sounded like a bad opera singer right now.

"Yes Lucifer, I brought a _friend_ home. And yes, I know him. His name is Dean Winchester. Of course, you must know him well from your manly rabbit fights?" Cas proceeded to calmly place his bag on the sofa without looking at his boiling cousin.

"No you don't! You **don't** know him! He is one of _them_ Castiel. The Leftovers!" Lucifer flailed his hands emphatically as if that should have meant something.

Cas noticed Dean freezing on the spot, his face turning pale but his eyes flashing gold. He had an inkling of what his cousin was implying but wanted to clarify things.

"The..Leftovers? You mean Dean is food?" Cas confirmed in a mock-puzzled voice. He felt Dean's face gain some colour and eyes lose some anger at the strange comparison but Lucifer didn't seem to get the joke.

"No, like trash!" Lucifer explained in a self-righteous voice "The trash of food. He is the kind of breed you don't want to get your hands dirty with. Uncle Ralph does charity by patching him up when he messes with others, but that just that. Charity! You can't possibly associate yourself with a stinking, rabid human-dog like this one! What will people say?!"

Dean had never thought he would ever let a little trash-talking affect him but Lucifer was always like poison. He was ready to launch himself at the older boy when he saw Cas come between them. Going by the rigid posture and the twitching of the boy's hands, Dean guessed that Cas wasn't happy as well. Too bad Lucifer didn't notice.

"Let me get this right," Cas began in a low and barely restrained voice, "You called a 13 year old boy you almost beat to death- my classmate, my _friend_ , a rabid-dog?"

There was something in Cas' voice that chilled the room but Lucifer didn't back off.

"Yes" he shot back, with a tiny trace of fear in his voice.

"You think that Dean here is _trash_ because he doesn't look like you, doesn't live like you and doesn't believe in propriety like you?" Cas prodded on, his eyes still stone like.

"Well not..yes, I guess.." Lucifer seemed a little dubious but didn't back down completely. Dean almost felt pity for the guy at the way he knew Cas was going to shred him. He didn't know _why_ or _how he knew_ but he just knew that this boy was going to blow Lucifer up.

"You think you can judge a boy who has the courage to defend himself against 6 boys stronger and older to him. You think you can insult someone who has more integrity than your entire band of bumbling masochistic friends. You think you can humiliate a human being who has every right to every privilege you enjoy and yet doesn't whine about the shortcomings in his life. You think you can run your fungus infested mouth about his _breed_ when you cannot qualify to even 1% of his dignity and self-respect. You **believe** that my father treats a patient who was hurt by a vicious and egoistic bully, because it is charity. You think that he is nothing because he did not get the comfort of a silver spoon at birth. Is that what you think Lucifer?" Cas was breathing hard at the end of his rant and Lucifer looked like he was going to explode. Dean wanted to look better at Cas' face but his feet were rooted to the place.

When Lucifer didn't give an appropriate response, Cas inched closer to him and looked up into his eyes dead-on. "Because, if you think so my dear cousin, you must know something else." Cas breathed through this teeth. Giving him a cold smile Cas cocked his head slightly "I am a Leftover too. At least, I would like to be one, through Dean's friendship."

Turning on his heel he Cas stalked up the stairs to his room, pausing only to motion Dean to follow him. When he didn't look like he was following, Cas came back down and took Dean by his hand.

The silence in the hall where Lucifer stood, was louder than anything Dean had heard.

"I apologize" were the first words out of Cas' mouth as he shut the door behind him. The small room looked comfortable and friendly but the atmosphere was anything but that.

"You..apologize?" Dean asked slowly, trying to get his brain work faster that a snail.

"I didn't intend to..have an outburst like that." Cas looked like he wanted to dig a hole and bury himself.

Dean took a moment to study the boy in front of him. Here was a guy who had, in the past two days, mocked him, sassed with him, borne his idiotic antics and to top it all, defended him. _Defended_ him, like he was his real friend. Dean didn't know much about life in his brief 13 years, but he knew when he saw someone special.

"Why did you do that by the way? Have an _outburst_?" Dean wanted to clear things up before he decided on his next step. He was almost sure that he liked this guy but there was nothing like being 100% sure.

Cas looked up at him with the bluest eyes, his face holding such a confused expression that Dean almost smiled. "He insulted you." Cas answered, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.

"He isn't the first one to do that." Dean reasoned calmly, trying to sense any bit of falsehood in those blue topaz eyes. _He wasn't the first but YOU sure are_ Dean thought as he relived those brief moments when someone had actually stood up for him.

"Well, you shouldn't be. Nobody deserves to be humiliated for being themselves." Cas shot back so passionately that Dean raised his eyebrows.

"Cas, it isn't humiliation if it's true..and you shouldn't care so much." Dean was getting uncomfortable with this talk. Why was he trying to stop Cas from defending him?!

"It's true..How can you even say that?!" Cas exploded, making Dean jump a little, "He called you _trash!_ Like you didn't matter in this world! And I do care, so there!" Cas crossed his arms and looked so stubborn that Dean cracked a smile.

"And why would you care exactly?" he teased, sitting on the nearby chair with some regained confidence.

Cas narrowed his eyes at a hidden implication he thought Dean meant. Finding none, he shrugged and sat on the bed across the chair.

"Because we're friends." He said in a voice that sounded like _duh_

"You're making us friends? Just like that?" Dean felt amused by this strange guy and cocked his head.

"Yes, I am. That is what you wanted when you followed me like a lost puppy all day long, right?" Cas quipped with a slight frown.

Dean was tempted to let Cas down and tell him that he was simply an experiment. A joke. But he didn't believe that anymore. Sure, it had started off as a joke, but it couldn't be one. Not after what had happened.

"Yes, I did." Dean relented noticing the slight release of stiffness from the shorter boy's shoulder.

"Good, because I am going to make sure you never fight Lucifer again. And that might involve threatening and physically restraining you." Cas commented like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Oh yeah? And why wouldn't I fight Lucy-pie again?" Dean challenged as he leaned back on the chair with a quirky smile.

"Because then I would have to join in and I don't like to hurt animals."Cas replied as he stuck up his nose in the air.

Dean chuckled at the animal reference and shook his head. The conversation with Cas was easy and natural. Like they had been friends for a long time and not just a day.

An hour later when Dean went out the door, he turned to Cas who was standing with a book in hand.

"Did you really call me food?" he asked with a teasing smile.

"Go home Dean." Cas rolled his eyes and smiled a little before shutting the door.

Yes, Dean thought to himself, he was going home.

Now if only he found a way to explain what had happened to Sammy without sounding ridiculous.


	3. Chapter 3

"We are not going to watch that, Dean Winchester" Cas dug his heels into the ground and crossed his arms, staring at the raven haired woman sprawled on a bed in the poster.

Dean grinned at the petulant pose and slung an arm over Cas' shoulder, "Yes we are _Castiel Novak_ "

Cas narrowed his eyes at the mock but stood firm "You really think that I would want to watch this .. _travesty_ while I should be preparing for my Math test?"

"Pulp Fiction is NOT a travesty and yes, I think you will watch it." Dean nudged his shoulder and pulled him by hand to the ticket counter.

"Why not something else? There must be something more worthwhile than this. I mean, it isn't a big challenge, all that bloodbath and gore!" Cas was one step away from downright pleading but tried persuasion one last time. It wasn't that he was afraid of blood. He would just pass out every time he saw it.

Dean sighed and turned to face him with a cross look "Look Cas" he said in a weary tone "you've been holed up in that dungeon you call a library, for more than a week. I haven't seen you for five minutes without a book in your hand. Your head is about 3 minutes from bursting with all that knowledge crap and I am closer to tearing my hair off. So can we please just watch a movie and have fun?"

Cas saw the tired and pleading look in Dean's bright green eyes and sighed. It was no use trying to fight him when he gave him those eyes. Eyes that said _I care about you and that's why I need you to listen to me_.

It had been 3 years since he had brought a cocky and scrawny Dean Winchester to his house. Between completing middle school, joining high school and countless girlfriends (of Dean, of course), they had grown closer than two peas in a pod. He had taken to Sam as well and was now giving the younger boy some private help in his studies. Sam was delighted when he had discovered that Dean had _finally_ got a smart friend (with honors, as Sam reminded Dean quite often), who had the same interest in studies that he did. Cas' family didn't take the development all that well, but had grown to accept things as they were. He called Dean Cas' 'Mark Anthony'. Cas' mentally chuckled as he remembered having to explain the joke to Dean and his horrified reaction.

 _"Wait, so Julius Caesar died?" Dean asked with wide eyes. Sure, they had the book in their syllabus some time ago, but Dean never really liked Shakespeare. He called him 'The Guy Who Shall Not Be Read'._

 _Cas rolled his eyes "Yes Dean, he died. His friends betrayed him and he was killed. But Mark Anthony got him justice. His one true friend." Cas hoped Dean would understand why his father had called him that. Seeing the horrified look still intact, he gathered he hadn't._

 _"But Caesar DIED! Your dad called me Mark Anthony so he means you are Caesar. He was STABBED to death! You can't be Caesar! WHY DOES HE WANT YOU TO DIE?!" Dean was getting hysterical, which alarmed Cas. Dean never got hysterical. It was one factor Cas was glad about. Now, he was getting scared._

 _"Dean, calm down. Dad didn't mean it that way. He just meant that you have my back always. He called you my good friend." Cas placed a calming hand on his horrified friend's shoulder and felt him relax a bit._

 _Dean didn't speak for some time and Cas didn't remove his hand, watching the taller boy look at the floor with a pensive look. They were quiet for a few minutes, Dean tring to calm down and Cas offering his silent support._

 _After a couple of minutes, Dean took a deep breath and dragged his hand over his face._

 _"I don't want you to die." Cas heard the muffled whisper and felt odd but slightly tighted his grip on his friend's shoulder._

 _"Ok" he replied, not knowing what had triggered this breakdown but letting Dean take his time._

 _"You can't die." Dean said again, this time more clear._

 _"Dean, that isn't possible. Everybody dies at some point in life. It is but natural." Cas knew that a simple 'yes' would have sufficed but he was never one to lie. Not to Dean._

 _Dean shifted on the bed and faced Cas head on. Cas was startled to see a turmoil in the forest green eyes. It was like the aftermath of a flood. Strikingly still with the strain of destruction making the scene twistingly picturesque. He wondered why Dean held back the flood and wished his dam would break. Cas wouldn't mind taking in his strain. For Dean, he would dive into the flood and carry him out. But today, he simply had to stay by the shore and wait for his friend to close the dam._

 _"You don't understand" Dean muttered in a quiet voice, so quiet that Cas' sensitive hearing had to strain to catch the words "You_ _ **can't**_ _die Cas. I've lost Mum and Dad. Sam is always waiting to fly out into the bigger world. You..you're all that I've got. You..you're my lightening."_

 _Cas held on to every fibre of his strength to stop himself from reacting. He knew what Dean meant._

 _On nights when Dean would be upset with some fight or an unknown thought, he and Cas would lie on the Novak's roof and observe the satin black sky. Cas always thought it was the colour of dark blue ink but Dean maintained that it was pitch black. "Your damn hair is a piece of the sky." He would tease to which Cas would retort that Dean was getting sickeningly poetic. On those days, Dean would always wish for lightening and Cas would wish along. It was as though the sky truly heard their wihes, when a bolt of hot white jagged light would brighten the black sky for a few moments. Cas' practical mind would shudder to think of the energy hitting them one day but he would stop when he caught the expression on the other boy's face. For those brief seconds, Dean would turn into someone else. Someone who didn't hide behind sarcasm and fake charm. Someone who could enjoy the quiet without bothering to block out the sounds of his head. In those few moments, Dean Winchester would be just another boy with dreams and hopes. Cas liked the lightening for that. It was Dean's shooting star._

 _"Dean." Cas hated that his voice broke a little. He couldn't get overwhelmed now. Taking a fresh breath he tried again "Dean, I can't promise you things that I can't deliver. I won't do that to you. I will die one day, just as every person you meet. It won't be today, tomorrow or even for the next 50 years. Maybe I'll live longer than Mr. Glensto, and that is saying too damn much."_

 _Dean gave a small chuckle at the reference to the nagging old man across the road. He was almost 100 and gave Dean Hell every time they met._

 _Cas was relieved at the small break of tension but continued "It doesn't matter. What matters is how we live. You can't fear death and die every day of your life. That makes life unbearable. You and I don't live like that. We are meant to be alive. I don't know if Sam will fly away. I can't bring back the past. But I can promise that we'll live through the present and the future together. You've got me and I've got you. We'll make it enough."_

 _Dean was viciously trying to swallow back his tears and Cas respected that by acting like he didn't see it. The might be best friends but Dean still wasn't comfortable enough to let his control slip altogether._

 _After a few moments of silence, Dean smiled and nodded. They never discussed it again. On Dean's next birthday, he got a small lightening pendant attached to a note – you're my lightening too. The chain stayed hidden under his tee all the time but never got discussed._

"Cas?..Hello? CAS!" Cas jerked back to the present when he saw a puzzled Dean waving his hand in front of him. He shook his head and gestured to the entrance of the hall. Dean grinned and led the way.

"We could have gone for a less _violent_ movie you know? We are just 15." Cas grumbled as they settled into their seats.

"Sure, like another _Four Weddings and a Funeral_? And you're old enough to be 80, so I guess that makes us _eligible_." Dean teased back.

"It wasn't that bad! I like Hugh Grant!" Cas defended himelf.

"I know. You _like_ him." Dean rolled his eyes.

Dean had found out about Cas' .. _preference_ the previous year. It wasn't dramatic and shocking. Cas had calmly sat him down after a baseball match at school and explained to him that he was gay. Dean knew that underneath the calm exterior, Cas was a bundle of nerves. He shouldn't have worried though. Sure, Dean was uncomfortable with the concept but this was Cas. He could have told him that he was an alien and Dean would have accepted him. He also remembered how Cas had reacted when he had asked him another question

 _"So, are you into me?" Dean asked casually as they sat at on their usual spot in the prohibited park. It wasn't pretty and clean, which suited them perfectly. Also, the prohibited part made it exciting for Dean._

 _"No." Cas replied with an amused look_

 _"Why not?" Dean looked offended as he threw another pebble on the small circle of water before them._

 _"Why should I?" Cas wondered as he leaned back on his elbows, looking at the pebble make ripples on the water._

 _"I AM attractive, you know?" Dean quipped with a petulant face._

 _Cas raised an eyebrow and huffed out a chuckle "You WANT me to be into you?" he asked incredulously._

 _"No! God, no! Of course not! I just..I just wanted to know why." Dean grumbled, looking helpless._

 _"Well, I'm not into people who aren't into me." Cas explained sagely "Unrequited love is, as you would say, a pain in the ass."_

 _Dean looked at him for a couple of minutes and turned back to throw another pebble._

 _"I guess it is" he said as they discussed other 'interesting' parts of being gay. Cas would eventually get annoyed and walk off but Dean liked knowing about him. He always did._

Looking at Cas glaring at the screen right now, Dean felt a smile form on his face.

"We **could** just go grab a bite at Fenny's I suppose." He whispered to the dark haired boy who was currently clutching the seat's edge.

The gleeful smile that Cas gave him made Dean chuckle. _Such a puppy_ he thought to himself as they boys scurried out of the hall.

Dean had wasted some good money on the unused tickets but as they returned home after a sandwich and a long bicycle ride around the park, he felt better than ever.

"Hey Winchester!" Dean heard a voice behind him as he tied his laces. It had been a great match and their team had won by a thumping margin.

He turned to see Lisa Braeden walk across the ground to him. He couldn't have controlled the shocked expression on his face even if somebody had paid him a million dollars.

"Hey..hey Lisa.." he stuttered as the beautiful brunette smiled at his nervousness.

"Nice game" she remarked, looking across at the pitch where they had won just an hour ago.

"Yeah..yeah it was" Dean replied awkwardly. _Stupid stupid stupid!_ He cursed himself mentally.

Lisa was the girl Dean could only dream of talking to. She was perfect, and when Dean said perfect, he meant it. Sam had often observed how Dean would always falter when she was around. He ended up with a whack on his head. Cas had remarked on her perfection too. He had got a grunt in response.

"So..how are you?" Lisa asked with a pretty smile on her face. Dean thought that her eyes sparkled when she smiled. Cas thought that he was a pathetic Bard wannabe.

"Me? I'm ..I..cool!" Dean was sure he was going to kick himself after this mortifying ordeal. _I cool?! What is that?!_ He shrieked within his brain.

Lisa didn't seem to notice his stupidity and smiled. They stood in silence for a couple of minutes; him fiddling with the collar of his shirt and her tapping her thumbs together. After eons of awkwardness, she finally took a deep breath and smiled.

"Ok then. Nice talking to you." She said turning to leave.

"Yeah..you talk good too.." Dean wanted to find a rope and strangle himself but settled for a grimaced smile.

Lisa seemed to have a moment's confusion before she stepped closer, stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek softly.

"See you later" she whispered softly and walked away, leaving a shocked Dean in wake.

"See you later" Dead whispered to himself as he touched the spot on his cheek in awe. Cas was not going to believe this, he thought to himself as he raced out to go meet his friend at home.

"I don't believe it!" Cas said for the billionth time, moving his books to the shelf calmly. He did, actually, but saying that he didn't seemed to make Dean happy.

"I know right!" Dean laughed, plopping on the bed happily.

Cas turned slightly and frowned when he saw Dean spread mud on his sheets with his dirty feet. He shoved him off the bed and pointed at the washroom. Dean didn't complain today and simply obeyed, washing his feet before resuming his position on the bed.

"So when are you going to ask her?" Cas enquired as he settled down to complete his Chemistry homework. Dean had, as usual put his homework off till the next day morning. Cas didn't have that privilege, with him being an Honors student. Dean complained about him working all the time but understood that he needed to if he was going to become a Neurosurgeon.

"Ask her what?" Dean frowned as he lay on his stomach, staring at Cas work on the table.

"To be your girlfriend, of course" Cas replied without taking his eyes off the paper.

There was a stretch of silence in the room before Cas looked up to see Dean gape at him with googly eyes.

"How did you know?!" Dean asked in a shocked tone.

Cas raised both eyebrows before huffing "Honestly? You spoke about her just about a million times today. And yesterday. And the days before that. Any person can guess."

Dean nodded and smiled sheepishly "I guess you can huh? So, you think I should ask her?

Cas rolled his eyes before getting back to work "Do dogs bark?"

Dean chuckled at the answer before turning back and staring at the ceiling, thinking about Lisa. The scratching of pen on paper filled the room as both boys concentrated on their important jobs.

Cas had expected Dean and Lisa to get on well together. He knew that she would warm up to him, anybody would. What he didn't expect, was to feel alienated himself. It had started out small; lesser talks about things they liked and more about things Lisa liked, larger intervals between Dean's visits to the Novak house and the such. Cas had ignored them, knowing that Lisa was important to Dean. But then things got worse. Dean started seeking him out mainly to get notes. He never minded that; he was always ready to help Dean out. What irked him was that the notes were not for Dean. They were for Lisa.

Dean hadn't understood the reluctance on Cas' part. Cas had tried to explain that he couldn't write notes for three people. He had additional work as it was. Maybe it was the growing distance lately or something new, but Dean hadn't taken the rejection well.

"So you _can't_ help me but can help Chuck, huh?" he had burst one day, right in the middle of the school hallway.

Cas felt the curious looks of the other students and tried to hush Dean. Chuck was Cas' first boyfriend and he wasn't ready to go public with it.

"Dean, you're being irrational and rude. Let's talk elsewhere" Cas had tried to lead him away but Dean pulled his hand back with a jerk.

"Rude? I'm being rude?! Oh and what about you?! You won't help Lisa and me just because we aren't nerds like you?" Dean felt something bubble inside him and couldn't control the strange anger.

Cas narrowed his eyes at the remark "I never said that. I cannot work on so many things together. I need some time to breathe, Dean. Moreover, you need to buckle up and try taking notes yourself sometimes"

Dean bristled at the suggestion. _Did he think I am dumb?_ His brain questioned him. "You think I can't do anything without you huh? You think I'm dumb, do you?!"

The onlookers were increasing by the minute but Cas was really starting to get angry.

"No I didn't say that but right now, maybe you are. You are sounding unnecessarily stubborn Dean." Cas warned in a tone that was slowly rising.

Dean didn't catch the warning "I'm dumb? Me? What about you Cas? Aren't you an idiot too?"

Cas was stunned for a second before his eyes narrowed further. Pushing his glasses back firmly, he crossed his arms "No, I do not think I am an idiot."

Dean scoffed "Oh yeah? Is that why you're still stuck in that bloody closet of yours? Smart guy as yourself, scared of showing the world who you truly are?!"

Cas felt his veins turn cold and hissed "Shut up Winchester!"

Dean felt a pricking in a far corner of his brain but he was too far gone now, to realise. Days of frustration for no reason had finally burst. "I don't think I will Novak! What are you scared of?! You're stuck smooching the life out of Chucky and still pretend to be different out here. If that isn't being an idiot I don't know what is! What is it.."

The slap resounded across the hallway and maybe across the entire school. Cas stood inches away from Dean, his breathing shallow and eyes bloodshot. Dean's face had a bright red hand-print and eyes held shock.

" . " Cas hissed in a broken whisper, his hands trembling with anger and hurt. Dean felt a gush of horror at what had happened but he was also shocked that Cas had slapped him. His old ego squashed his remorse and he smirked "Even if I do, _you_ won't stay away, will you Snowy?" he drawled in his long forgotten jerk voice.

For a moment, Dean thought he saw something flash in Cas' eyes but the next moment he couldn't see anything beyond the ice of his blue iris.

"Oh I will Winchester" Cas replied in a far too controlled voice "I will because I hate you"

If Cas had slapped him a hundred times more, it wouldn't have hurt as much as that statement had. Dean felt a physical jolt when he found nothing but frozen hatred in the eyes he once adored. The blue topaz he had felt at home with. He wanted to call out, apologize and beg for the ice to melt. But he stood still, frozen in shock and bound by blind ego.

As Cas walked away and the crowd slowly scattered, Dean felt his world shatter. He saw Lisa beside him, trying to comfort him. He saw Sam across the hall, shaking his head in disappointment. But what stayed in his mind what that look of cold hatred from blue eues that had once promised him an eternity of friendship.

Dean Winchester was once again alone.


	4. Chapter 4

If anybody had told Dean that he would be having a conversation about sex with a _very_ naked guy masturbating in front of him, that person would have gotten a couple of black eyes. So when it struck him that he was doing exactly that, he wanted to laugh his ass off. Sure, it hurt his bruised rib, broken jaw and torn calves when he did; but Dean still let out a horrifying cackle when he thought about how he had landed in this state.

After the utter mess he had created with Cas and Sam's bull-headed annoyance with him, Dean had resorted to the only things he knew were a constant – booze, boobs and fights. The first two he could get on his own; the last one was where Sonny came in. The beer bellied and balding con-man was the first teacher Dean had got in life. He taught him to take control over others, flirt and even exert power against enemies. It was all gangster like for the young and orphan Dean when he first met Sonny. He had become Dean's go-to guy, until Castiel entered his life. The first thing Cas had done was make Dean get away from the man and promise him that he would never do anything for him. Dean was annoyed at first, like an addict told to stay away from his addiction, but Cas had been there by his side all the time. So when he realised that he didn't have Cas by him anymore, Dean went back to his dirty temptation – Sonny.

The first few weeks were entertaining, to say the least. He had played poker with Sonny's gang, drank free beer, fondled several willing female assets and avoided Sammy like plague. He knew his brother would eventually catch up to him and Dean wanted to prolong it for as long as possible. After 2 weeks, things got strange. Sonny had asked Dean to stay with him, in his house. Dean was puzzled and perturbed but he really couldn't refuse a warm and clean room to stay. He stayed with Sonny for two more weeks, thinking things were finally getting better for him. He should have known better.

 _"Get up boy!" the fuzzy voice seemed to drift from somewhere above him, but Dean's sleep addled brain didn't want to process it._

 _He felt something prodding at his abdomen with force and tried to brush it away with his arm. He was REALLY tired after the today's match and he couldn't do any work right now._

 _It felt like burning coal when the first lash hit his stomach. Dean sprang up with a yelp and stinging pain, staring at the extremely drunk Sonny standing with a belt in his hand._

 _"What the fuck Sonny?! Have you fucking lost it?!" Dean yelled, trying to push the overweight man away but was pushed back into the bed with force he didn't expect._

 _"Don't you dare talk to me that way, you scum!" Sonny growled, alcohol reeking from every syllable, "You're gonna pay up for that lazy ass of yours! Freeloading dirtbag!"_

 _Dean was officially freaked out but scrambled out of bed in anger, one hand curling into a threatening fist and the other reaching out in front as a protective shield._

 _"What are you talking about, Sonny? Get the hell away from me! I'm leaving right now." Dean tried to remember the right techniques to block him if need be. He tried to edge back to the door when Sonny grabbed his arm with freakish strength._

 _"Leaving are ya? Not so fast Dean-o. I ain't done with you yet." The leer from the stinking mouth pressed close to his face had Dean gagging. He tried hitting and pushing but Sonny didn't seem affected much by any blows._

 _When he tried to land a punch to the man's face, something seemed to snap within Sonny. Dean found himself flung across the room, his head landing against the wall with a crack. 'Jesus! I can't lose right now!" Dean tried to get up and convince his screaming brain to work but Sonny worked faster._

 _He felt the blows everywhere. Shoulder, back, calves, neck, face; everything was hurting all at once and Dean was fighting hard to defend himself against the damn belt. It didn't help that his head was bleeding and his vision was going blurry but when he felt two hand hoisting him up, Dean knew he had to fight harder. Gathering every bit of strength, he lifted his knee and hit his attacker directly in the groin. That was when all hell broke loose._

 _Within minutes, Sonny's overgrown 'friends' rushed into the room and kicked Dean in places he didn't know could hurt. Dean wanted to scream when he felt his clothes torn apart and hands roving over his body, but all that came out his mouth was a strangled whimper. 'Pathetic Winchester!', his brain seemed to mock him as he lost strength with every blow. His bruises from an earlier fight hadn't healed yet and the new blows were letting fresh blood ooze out of every pore. When he felt a sharp hit to the back of his head, Dean actually felt thankful for the darkness that swallowed him into oblivion._

 _The minute he came into consciousness, Dean wished he hadn't. The light was too bright, his bound hands were too stiff and the blood running down his torn leg was a never ending stream. He sensed that he was tied up to a chair, judging by the roughness of the wood under his knees, the rickety old one of Sonny's. His struggled to open against the swelling but the minute they opened, Dean wished they hadn't bothered. Standing before him was an ugly, naked Sonny with an ugly, naked erection._

 _"Hello Dean-o" Sonny cooed as his fist pumped his own member. Dean wished he didn't understand but he did. He was going to get raped. "Guess I won't be called a 'bloody ass' without reason now" he thought to himself in dark humour._

He would be lying if he said he wasn't dying. Dean actually felt pieces of his broken soul evaporating at every stroke of Sonny's erection. It didn't help that the bastard was actually describing how he had planned to 'take him' a long time ago. "Should have listened to Cas" Dean thought with the last shred of hope shrivelling away. He felt the lightening pendant scrapping across a gash at his chest and felt hot tears rush out of his eyes. When he saw Sonny stumble forward, eyes bloodshot and fist still pumping, Dean closed his eyes in defeat. "I'm sorry Cas.." was the only thought he felt in his head as he got ready to be ruined forever.

He didn't know what it was; a prayer, a plea or a long lost boon. He had no clue how it had happened, but Dean could never have been prepared for the gun shot blasting the door. His eyes flew open to see Sonny freeze awkwardly, one hand mid-way towards him. Before anything could possibly happen, Dean saw the one person he would never have dreamt to see again. Especially not when he had just thought about him.

"Cas…" the broken whisper from his split lips should have made him cringe but Dean didn't want to think of anything other than the fact that _he_ was here. He hardly noticed Dr. Novak, Sam and Sheriff Singer rush through the door, the adults overpowering Sonny. He didn't acknowledge the sobbing Sam, hovering near him, begging things to be not true. He had eyes for only one person. The blue eyed boy who never left as he walked up to him. If Dean hadn't been broken a few minutes ago, he would certainly have shattered when he felt Cas' hand landing on his head gently.

"Cas…" the shuddering sob would have been humiliating in other circumstances but Dean couldn't help it. He felt his best friend telling Sam to untie his legs while working on his hands himself.

"Shh shh..I'm here now Dean..I won't let them hurt you..I'm here now.." Cas' voice held such warmth that Dean felt the tears gush out faster. As soon as the last rope left his wrists, Dean found himself in the warm arms of old books, chocolate and love. The scent of the reassuring friendship and stability almost brought him to his knees, held up only by the strength of his friend.

Cas felt his own tears flowing down his face but bit them back as he let Dean crush him to seek reassurance. His hands rubbed soothing circles on the parts of Dean's back that weren't cut or bruised. He wanted to kill Sonny and would have gladly done it if not for the two weeping Winchester brothers clinging to him. He gently brought Sam into the embrace and hushed them both; two boys broken in different ways but just as pained.

When Cas had heard one of Sonny's younger lackies in the neighbourhood bragging about a 'new boy-toy' that Sonny was going to 'train', he hadn't thought it would be Dean. It had created a fear in his mind when Sam had complained that Dean hadn't been home for two weeks. Cas was still mad at Dean for being a dumbass but he would never let anybody hurt him. The growing suspicion had been confirmed when he had overheard Sheriff Singer talking to his father about spotting Dean with Sonny and the latest drunken rage of the old thug.

 _"When did you say you saw them?" Cas asked quietly as he came into the hall where the Sheriff and his dad were talking._

 _Ralph raised an eyebrow at his son eavesdropping on their conversation but was cut off by the Sheriff._

 _"What's it to you son?" Bobby Singer was known to have a suspicious mind and a sarcastic tongue. He liked the young Novak boy and his sharp mind, but wouldn't give any details without knowing his intentions._

 _Cas debated internally on his next move. If he told them about Dean being missing, his father would suggest they lodge a complaint and that would take a couple of extra days. Judging by the calculations and instincts his brain were hinting, he didn't have much time. According to lacky's drunken ramblings, Sonny was going to train the boy today or in a couple of days. If it was Dean, Cas would never take the risk of one more wasted minute._

 _"It's Dean" he said in an urgent voice, his eyes looking directly into the Sheriff's shrewd ones. He could feel his father's frowning but continued "I think Sonny is going to hurt Dean. I think..I think Dean is trapped in Sonny's place." It felt wrong to even imagine it, but Cas was nothing if not intuitive and logical. And he had personal history with violent sons-of bitches in New York, unknown to most._

It hadn't taken much persuasion in the end. cared about Dean and knew that his son was gifted with strange instincts when it came to his loved ones. A few threats to the weaker members of Sonny's gang had confirmed their worst fear. Cas could still not believe that they had reached on time. Hearing the shuddering breath from the boy clinging to him, he wondered if he had been late after all. Gently shifting the brothers who wouldn't leave each other's hands, Cas noticed that Dean was stark naked except for a bit of clothing covering a small part of his hip. Cas knew that he would be risking Dean's small bit of composure if he pulled away to get a shirt but also guessed that Dean would freak out the moment he realised his physical state. Deciding on what to do, Castiel managed to tug off his light jacket before gently wrapping it around the other boy's shoulders.

wanted to get Dean to the hospital immediately but gave the thought second consideration when he imagined Dean's current mental state. He needed to make sure Dean was fine without scaring him. When he was sure that the Sheriff had taken take of arresting the disgusting bastard Sonny, he waited for Castiel to look up from the embrace the three boys were in. If there was any way they would help Dean, he was sure his son had to be a part of it. Also Sam, he noted as a second thought, as he saw the younger boy calm down a little under Castiel's constant murmurs. When his son finally caught his eyes, Ralph gestured to the door, hinting that they should take Dean away from the horrid place. Cas simply nodded before steering his friends gently out of the door and down the stairs. On the last step, Cas felt Dean stiffen and tried to look at his eyes. A moment later, he felt him relax a bit as Sam tugged on his hand a little.

As he lay on the familiar bed in Cas' room, Dean felt the first trace of reality creep in. He had been gently cleaned and patched up by the doc with Cas never leaving his hand. He had leaned into the firm warmth of his friend's confident assurances. "I'm here Dean. I won't let anything happen to you. I won't go anywhere." Cas had been so sure. He hadn't flinched when the doc had cleaned up the gashes on his abdomen. He hadn't blinked an eye when Dean's swollen eye oozed blood. He didn't hesitate in holding his weight when the doc wanted to turn him over to treat the wounds on his back. Cas didn't go anywhere. Sammy had stayed back too but when he saw the purplish bruises near his genitals, he had thrown up. He hadn't come back into the room after that. Cas hadn't left the room yet.

In fact, he didn't leave Dean's side for the next week. He wouldn't complain when Dean snapped at him for offering to help him stand. He wouldn't retort when Dean vented his fury by pummelling at his chest. He wouldn't flinch when Dean had thrown the soup at his face for the first 10 times he had tried to feed him. Cas had simply cared for him. Again and again, till Dean felt every bit of emotion drain from his bones.

"You're gonna flunk" Cas thought he had imagined the scrappy voice but he knew that Dean had spoken to him. It was the first coherent sentence in 15 days and Cas didn't dare hope for anything drastic, lest it broke the calm of the moment.

"Maybe" he conceded, waiting for Dean to continue the conversation. He would take _anything_ ; even a remark about Lucifer's fashion sense that Dean loved to tease.

Dean wasn't looking at Cas directly. His eyes were focussed on the bookshelf acrodd the bed and Cas itched to turn his face to himself. He wanted Dean to see him, talk to him and give him all of his pain. He could take it; he would take it all, just to see his best friend's eyes show life again.

"I don't want you to flunk" Dean said in a voice slightly better than the previous one. Cas didn't reply, waiting for a continuation.

"You'll be a good doctor" Dean remarked, his eyes moving away from the bookshelf. When Cas didn't respond again, he finally looked at him.

"You'll be the best Cas" Dean's eyes held a pool of unshed tears and before he knew it, Cas had flung himself off his chair into his arms. Dean was frozen for a couple of long minutes as Cas sobbed out his pain and fear, before finally hugging him back.

"Thank you..thank you..I..God Dean..Thank you.." Cas couldn't get anything past the same words but Dean seemed to understand. He wasn't thanking him for the compliment; he was thanking him for coming back to him.

"I'm so sorry Cas..God! I hurt you!..I'm such a fucked up mess! I'm so sorry Cas..I deserved it.." Dean felt his own sobs break free; the pain, hurt and fear from too many days flowing down his face.

"NO! Please no!" Cas pushed back slightly to look at him with such intensity that Dean felt protected "Don't ever say that Dean! You could never deserve that! NOBODY deserves that! You're my _best friend_! You don't ever have to apologize to me again, you get that? God Dean! I thought I lost you.."

Dean had never felt more relieved than the moment he heard _'best friend'_ from Cas' mouth. He didn't need anything else in that moment. Smiling through his tears and snot, he lightly whacked Cas' head "Hey! What do you mean you lost me? I'm not one of your precious lab equipment that you'd lose right?" the joke should have fallen flat but Cas laughed. He would laugh at anything Dean could say; he was just too damn happy to have the forest green eyes looking at him again.

"No you're not" Cas agreed making a face "You're just the dumb dork I'm stuck with as a best friend."

Dean chuckled at that before wiggling his eyebrows " _Handsome_ dork Cas. Can't you see how good looking I am?"

Cas knew that Dean was being self-depreciative but he truly did see how beautiful Dean was. "Oh don't I know that.." he rolled his eyes, maintaining the stupid humour "So handsome that my boyfriend liked you more than me."

Cas hadn't meant to hurt Dean but the boy still froze and looked at him with panicked eyes. "Chuck likes me more?! Shit Cas..I..You want me to break his bones? I'll do it! I'll do it if he hurts you!" Dean was going to hurt Chuck if he hurt Cas.

Cas simply smiled "Nah..we're over. He wasn't, how shall I say, endowed in the right places"

Dean laughed out loud at that. He knew that Cas meant the brain but hearing Cas remark a pun was just what he needed. Outside the door, Ralph smiled to himself as he left the two friends to build back their bond.

It had taken a long time for Dean to learn to ignore the insults and comments. He was more furious about the crap Cas was dished out, for being gay. Several times, he had tried to fight a dumb jock who had picked on Cas. But his friend had always calmed him down and dealt with it on his own. Sam had helped whenever possible. The younger boy had become closer to Dean after the incident and had made him promise to take care of himself. Dean still remembered the conversation they had, exactly 3 months after the 'incident'

 _"Are you going to take care of that?" Dean was surprised to see his little brother standing beside the door, watching him assess the bruises from the last football match. Dean had quickly learnt that he was damn good at sports and he had taken 's advice on concentrating on a sports scholarship for college._

 _"This? Yeah..maybe after dinner" Dean pulled down his tee and stood to go down to get some dinner._

 _"No." Sam blocked his way with his taller build. Dean could have easily slipped past him but something in his brother's eyes made him stop. Something that looked like..fear._

 _"No?" Dean questioned calmly, trying to remember anything that should have scared his younger brother. Had Sonny come back or something?_

 _"No. You're going to take care of that right now." Sam's voice was rising an octave with each word and he steadily walked Dean back into the room._

 _"Sam? What are you..Sammy? Sammy what's going on?!" Dean felt the panic transfer from the taller boy to his own heart as he saw Sam pull up his tee and look at his bruises with wild eyes._

 _"You can't do this again..I can't let you..You can't get hurt again.." Sam was muttering ot himself over and over, his shaking hands hovering over the small bruises on Dean's shoulder._

 _Dean grabbed hold of his hands and shook him slightly "Sammy! What are you talking about?!"_

 _"YOU! I CAN't LOSE YOU AGAIN!" Sam's yell echoed in the small room. Dean stood frozen to the spot as he realized what had happened. Cas had warned him about this when Sam hadn't reacted earlier. His brother had almost lost him and hadn't gotten over it._

 _Taking a deep breath, Dean held his younger brother's shoulders firmly, "I'm fine Sammy" he said in a calm voice, making Sam look up at his face "I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you again."_

 _Sam's eyes searched for something in his green eyes before he felt himself engulfed in a bear hug. It should have come long back, but as Dean awkwardly hushed the gigantic younger brother, he felt sad that he had scared him._

 _"You promise?" the small voice mumbled against his shoulder made Dean's heart break a little. He should never have left his baby brother alone. He was supposed to protect him for Christ's sake!_

 _"I promise." Dean felt the younger boy's body relax as he said the magic words. Taking a deep breath, Sam pushed himself back and smiled at him. In that moment, Dean could see the innocence and pure love of his sibling. He had heard Cas remark that Sam wasn't as strong as Dean thought him to be. But he hadn't seen what he meant till today._

 _"I promise" he said again, his voice sure and a small smile gracing his own lips. Sam nodded before leaving the room. Before he went out the door, Sam turned back "Take care" he said before he went down._

 _Dean was determined to do just that; for his younger brother who needed him._

"You look _ridiculous_!" Dean teased the boy standing in front of the mirror. Cas flipped him a finger before brushing down his costume one last time.

"Please, it isn't like I'm going as a bloody Tarzan" Cas scoffed as he pointed at Dean's costume.

"It's _Spartan_ and I look good in it" Dean huffed as he pushed Cas away from the mirror to look at himself.

It was the last event of their high-school years and the boys had chosen to go to the dance together. Cas, because he didn't get any date on time and Dean because he wouldn't let Cas use that excuse to stay buried in his books. They looked ridiculous as a Spartan and Yoda. Sam had called them mental, only to receive two simultaneous flipped birds in answer.

" _Why_ did we choose this combination again?" Cas complained as he shook his head at the stupid idea. Yoda and a Spartan weren't remotely connected and yet they were going as that to the stupid _Myth and Fic_ themed homecoming dance.

"Becauuuse" Dean mocked him back "you are a nerd and I am a hunk. This suits us!" Cas laughed at the stupid grin on Dean's face before pushing the boy out of the room.

The dance was as disastrous as expected. There was shitty music, not-so-subtly horny couples and terrible food. Cas looked at his watch for the hundredth time as he sighed to himself. Dean had scampered off to some corner, surely to mess with the punch. Cas wondered if he could sneak out now and later pacify Dean with some random excuse. Just as he decided to do it, turning to the exit, he felt an arm slung over his shoulder. An arm of a _very_ drunk Dean, to be specific.

"Cassie Cassie Cassie" Dean hiccupped before giggling at the hiccup "Where do you think _you're_ going?"

Cas rolled his eyes at the moronic antics "Somewhere far away from the madness you're going to create here." He quipped back, trying to get the arm off him.

Dean snorted at that before pulling the slimmer boy closer. Between Cas trying to get him away and Dean trying to pull him closer, they unknowingly ended up in one of the dark corners of the hallway. The music from the dance hall was dull here and Cas could barely see in the darkness.

"Dean..Dean, stop! Where are we? Dean, stop wriggling!" Cas tried to get his drunk friend to stand still but the stronger boy seemed to wriggle more at the words.

"Nooooo" Dean whined when Cas tried to make him stand against a pillar. Before Cas could move away or find a light, he felt himself swung around and pushed against the pillar.

Cas felt the air rush out of his lungs at the shock. He tried to push Dean back without hurting him but the drunken weight was too much for him.

"Dean!" he hissed, desperately trying to get the boy's attention. Sure, Dean had fooled around him a few times teasingly before, sometimes to cheer him up and other times to simply irritate him. But he had never been more aware of the green-eyed guy's strength and physique, radiating warmth and a strong scent of sandalwood. Cas almost groaned when he realised that Dean had used his soap to get ready for the dance. The fresh smell of Sandalwood was like an aphrodisiac to Cas and he really didn't need it right now. Apparently, Dean had other ideas.

Every time Cas pushed against him, Dean seemed to inch closer to him. When he felt Dean's breath on his neck, Cas almost groaned. It was his secret but he had begun to fancy Dean in the last year. It was somewhere around the time Dean had stood up to Lisa for insulting Cas. Dean had shown no hesitation in breaking things off with his supposed _dreamgirl_ for him and Cas had involuntarily begun falling for his best friend. It made things worse that Dean didn't know and more importantly, that Dean wasn't _gay_. Something his lower parts seemed to have forgotten.

When Cas felt something brush against his thigh, he prayed that it wasn't what he thought it was. It wasn't because it was disgusting him; on the contrary, it made things harder to resist. Especially when Dean's lips ghosted over his eyelids, making them flutter shut. When Dean's costume allowed his skin to touch Cas' arms. When Dean's rough hands massaged the spot right above his hip. Cas was going to lose it if something didn't happen. He didn't know what, but he needed _something_ to happen right now.

And happen it did. With the care of a precise surgeon, Dean's full lips found his own thinner ones. Cas almost crumbled to the ground but was held up when Dean pushed into him further, deepening the kiss gently. It was like a smooth injection piercing into his vein – slow, exact and oh-so-exciting. Cas felt his heart lurch when Dean's tongue licked his lower lip, begging for permission. The moment's hesitation he felt, drowned in the whimper from Dean's throat. A fucking whimper! Cas broke and opened his mouth to welcome the desire he had wished for.

There was no battle for dominance. Cas willingly let Dean explore every crevice, every swell and every taste of his mouth. He did the same back, hissing in delight when Dean ground into his thigs every time he hit the right spots. Hands were lost between clothes and hair, tongues found between teeth and lips, and desire was exchanged with every gasp of breath.

Was it a minute or an hour? Cas really didn't care. He was lost beyond reason; beyond any theory or logic. He was lost to the pure feeling of Dean, till he felt the boy pull away. Cas' eyes were disoriented for a moment before he felt hot liquid spill down his clothes and heard Dean groan. The stinking puke seemed to jolt him out of the spell he was under. As he saw Dean sway before collapsing on the ground, Cas felt a chill down his spine.

Dean was drunk. He wouldn't remember this.

The thought should have scared him. It should have made him run away as fast as he could. But it just made his eyes well.

He knew that Dean wouldn't remember but Cas wouldn't forget it. He knew that he should have been hurt but as he saw the drunk Dean sprawled near his feet, he felt only relief.

He had finally accepted that he felt more than friendship for Dean. Sure, it would be great if Dean felt the same. But Cas had long learnt to take the small gifts of life and treasure them. Sighing to himself, he pulled Dean up and trudged up the hall way to the gate where his dad's car was parked.

As he drove back home with a sleeping Dean in the backseat, Cas remembered the feeling of joy when he had touched the other boy's lips with his own. He would never tell any of it to Dean. He would never risk that. But he would always have this moment. And that was enough for now.


	5. Chapter 5

The heat was creating sun burns on his back as Dean ran laps in the empty ground. It was ridiculous that he was feeling angry over something imaginary, but that didn't stop him from fuming.

"Fucking son-of-a-bitch!" he spat as came to a halt and kicked at the ground. The beads of sweat trickling down his back did nothing to cool him down as he recalled the conversation he had with Cas an hour ago.

 _"So, you're dating him now." Dean stated as his hands clenched into fists. It was a miracle that the phone hadn't broken under pressure._

 _"Well, Dean..it's not dating as such..you know..Its complicated.." Cas fumbled and Dean could hear the anxiety in his voice. If Cas could see him right now he would understand that Dean did not need any bullshit._

 _"How is it complicated Cas?" Dean shot back in a barely restrained voice "You're either dating the jerk or not. There is no_ _ **confusion**_ _in that."_

 _Cas sighed into the phone "Dean, you can't still be angry with him over the past" he tried placating his friend._

 _"Oh I can!" Dean smarted "I can and you should too. He is a fucking asshole who gave you shit for being gay and now he is gay too? Bullshit! How can you trust someone who couldn't respect you for who you are Cas? One year! A whole year he's been insulting you and making college hell for you. And now you want me to believe that he's changed? . He's an asshole Cas and you know it"_

 _Dean and Cas had joined different colleges for their courses; UCLA and Stanford respectively. They had met over holidays and talked over phone frequently. When Cas had told him about Balthazar, a senior, constantly ragging him Dean told him to fight back. He tried to make Cas understand that he needed to stand his ground and Cas had tried it. Things changed when Cas had been beaten up once and Dean had worried that it was his stupid advice that led to it._

 _He still remembered driving down to Stanford and kicking Balthazar's ass for it._

 _"Dean!" Cas' voice brought him back to the present "He has realized his mistake and is simply asking for a second chance. Aren't YOU the one who told me to believe in second chances?"_

 _Dean growled at that "Cas, there's a difference between giving a second chance to a human being and the Devil. Balthazar is the Devil. He DOESN'T care about you, DOESN'T love you and ISN'T right for you."_

 _"Is there anyone right for me Dean? Cas retorted, thoroughly irritated "Because as I recall, you don't seem to like anyone I date."_

 _"That's because you always go for the bad guys!" Dean was almost yelling by now._

 _There was an uncomfortable pause where Dean felt he heard something like 'And it all started with you' but brushed it off when he heard Cas speak again._

 _"Listen to me Dean" the medical student began again "I'm not saying that Balthazar is perfect for me or that I'm in love with him. I'm not that stupid and you know that. All I'm saying is that he deserves a chance at fixing his mistakes. This isn't dating. It's more of a non-platonic friendship."_

 _Dean sputtered at the non-platonic part "Did you..Did you KISS him?"_

 _He could virtually see Cas debating on his answer. After a moment's pause he heard the other side work again._

 _"Yes."_

And that had led to another blown out argument where Dean might or might not have called Cas a 'spineless worm' and other things. That was a week ago.

Groaning to himself Dean knew that he had been stupid. He had felt oddly betrayed and had taken it out on Cas. Now Cas wasn't answering any of his calls and Dean really needed to apologize. Making his final decision, he jogged back to his dorm.

Cas was exhausted after an excruciating day of endless classes. He simply wanted to get back to his room and crash into his old bed. Balthazar hadn't made things easy for him by constantly being _needy_. 'Casty let's go watch a movie'. 'Casty let's have a study date in the library' or 'Casty let's make out'. Really? _Make out?!_ He was on the verge of stabbing Balthazar or any person who dared to stop him from sleeping. Especially Balthazar, because he really didn't like the nickname 'Casty'.

As he opened the door to his room, Cas didn't bother with the lights. He knew that Tate, his roommate, was out for a date and assumed that he was alone. Stripping off his shirt and pushing down his pants, he stumbled in the darkness to the bed and collapsed on it. Or specifically on _someone_.

"What the fuck!" the voice from beneath him made Cas jump off and fall down on the ground. He heard footsteps and a minute later the lights came on. Blinking at the sudden light, he looked up to see a very disgruntled and sleepy Dean. In his room. With sleep tousled hair and wearing _his_ Beatles t-shirt.

"Why're you naked?!" Dean's question brought Cas out of his shock and he looked down to see that he was sprawled on the floor in just his Batman boxers. He looked up to see Dean trying very hard to not let his eyes roam over him. Obviously, he was failing because his lips were struggling to keep in his laughter. Cas felt the stupidity of the situation crash on him and burst out laughing. He was literally rolling on the floor, his hands clutching his stomach and laughing his lungs out. After a moment Dean joined in and both of them spent the next 15 minutes laughing at each other and the situation.

"Sooo" Cas drawled after finally pulling on a shirt and sitting on the chair beside the window "You're here." He didn't know what question to ask.

"Yeah" Dean confirmed sheepishly, rubbing his neck with a hand "Yeah I'm here"

Cas simply stared at the other guy, waiting for some sort of an explanation. When he got none, he threw up his hands and huffed.

"Why are you wearing my t-shirt?" he questioned curiously, opting to start from the least confusing question. Even as he asked it, Cas noticed that it looked better on Dean than himself. He had bought it at a sale but it had always hung loose on him. Dean, on the other hand, was athletic and had filled out pretty well. It fitted him perfectly, even looking snug on his biceps. His well-toned and strong biceps.

"My shirt got dirty and I needed to change after the shower" Dean's answer snapped Cas back to the present. He was glad about it too because the line of thinking he was on before could really not lead anywhere good.

"You showered?" Cas asked wondering how nobody had caught Dean sneaking into his room.

"Yeah, the drive made me stink and I know you don't like it when I get dirty." If Dean only knew what that last statement sounded like to Cas, he probably wouldn't have said it.

Cas nodded and glanced at the tousled sheets where Dean was currently sitting. _Why was he here?_

"I came to apologize" Dean started in an almost hesitant voice. When Cas didn't stop him, he continued "I was a jerk to you on the phone. You're right, I can't decide who you should date. That's..that's just a screwed up way of being concerned. You wanna date old Batty, you should date him."

Dean's eyes looked vulnerable and nervous making Cas smile internally. No matter how big a jock and Alpha Male he pretended to be, Dean had always been a softie at heart. Cas wanted to forgive him immediately but resisted the urge. They had some things to clear before he did that.

"I don't want you to freak out every time I don't like something you say Dean." Cas explained in a firm but gentle tone, "That would just make you uncomfortable talking to me. I can take your opinions and you can take mine. Just because we don't agree on certain things, doesn't mean that we aren't friends."

Dean thought about it for a minute "So you're saying that we should agree to disagree sometimes." He clarified, standing up from the bed and moving towards the window.

Cas nodded with a small smile "And agree to not break into hostel rooms" he teased making Dean snort.

"So what are we doing tonight?" he asked, sitting on the window sill precariously.

Cas frowned "Doing tonight? Dean, I'm tired and you popped out of nowhere. How did you get here anyway?"

Dean waved it off "Drove. And what do you mean you're tired? I'm here and you're just gonna sleep? C'mon Cas! Let's go out somewhere. Show me around!"

Cas opened his mouth to argue but shut it back. There would be no good in explaining to Dean. Also, he didn't feel like hitting the bed anymore. "All right, where do you wanna go?" he asked, standing up and grabbing his glasses.

Thirty minutes later they were lying down in a garden near the hostel, a cover of half eaten sandwiches lying between them. Dean was smoking a cigarette, letting its smoke form patterns below the dark blue sky and Cas was simply humming to himself with his eyes closed. Every now and then their legs would hit each other and one of Cas' hands would ruffle through Dean's hair gently. It should have been extremely weird for Dean, being so close to his best friend but something told him that they had seen too much together to get into any awkwardness.

"What are you thinking about?" Dean whispered after some time, not looking at Cas or raising his voice any further. There was a beautiful peace in that moment and he wanted to let it stay.

Cas took a breath and smiled "Us" he replied in the same whisper, without opening his eyes.

Dean turned his head and saw a serene smile on Cas' face. It wasn't clear in the darkness but the flickering light in a distance outlined his sharp contours – he could see the six laugh lines near his eye, the smooth run of forehead that always carried two frown lines, the sharp turn of his nose and the slightly upturned curve of his lips. Dean was trying to record every detail to memory; he wanted to remember this moment every time he missed Cas.

"What about us?" he asked, turning on his side with the cigarette still hanging loose from one hand. Cas opened his eyes, blue orbs holding the reflection of the still night.

"Everything. And nothing. Just how we are where we are." The answer made Dean smile. It was simple yet complicated – just like Cas.

"What do you think about it? Where we are." He questioned again, just to keep the conversation going.

"I think.." Cas thought for a moment before turning his head and looking at Dean "I think I like it. I like us."

Dean felt his breath hitch when he saw the honesty in Cas' eyes. There was nothing new but everything seemed different. He didn't know why he did it but he gently leaned over and kissed the lips in front of him.

It was soft, pure and everything Dean never experienced when he kissed someone. He heard a tiny gasp from Cas but he didn't push back or move away. For a few seconds of quiet happiness they simply lay there, lips touching and breaths moving in sync. The cigarette's end still glowed orange and the distant light still flickered on them. There was no spark or fireworks but Dean had never felt so happy and content.

After what seemed like an hour Dean pushed back and lay back down, his eyes open and focussed on the boy across him. Cas didn't open his eyes but his face looked absolutely content. He finally met Dean's green eyes and reflected such happiness that Dean felt the risk worth it.

"I like us too." Dean whispered into the darkness as Cas turned back to look at the sky, his fingers now lightly touching Dean's.

And just like that their friendship had taken a step higher. Dean had wondered about Balthazar but Cas had simply talked to the other guy and settled the matter. It scared Dean slightly, the calmness with which Cas had broken things off with the senior. He had expected some hesitation or confusion but Cas was sure about it. Then there was the matter of his own sexual preference.

"What do you mean I've kissed you before?" Dean demanded of his new boyfriend, who was sitting across him in his room. Cas twirled the straw of his cola and simply shrugged.

"You kissed me after the _Myth and Fic_ dance" he remarked like he was talking about the weather.

Dean's eyes widened comically and he scoffed "Well, that's just impossible!" he stated "I don't remember ever doing that!"

Cas' eyes had a teasing glint when he smiled "Oh it is possible. You kissed me after the dance when I tried to get your drunk ass back home. And might I just say, you were a bit sloppy."

This time Dean scoffed louder "Like hell I was! I can say with confirmation that I am an excellent kisser. Ask anyone I've kissed before!"

Cas raised an eyebrow accepting the challenge "Now why would I ask your exes when I find out for myself?" he asked casually as he stood up and sauntered towards Dean "I could find out _right now_."

Dean's eyes were fixed to his lips and he simply nodded. He didn't care if Cas found him sloppy; he simply wanted to kiss him. He saw Cas smirk at his transfixed expression before descending for a kiss.

Dean sighed with relief into the kiss. It had become an addiction of sorts of him. He wondered why he hadn't seen it before, this attraction towards those smiling lips. Cas threaded his fingers along his head, fingers scraping along the nape. The shiver he felt at the touch made Dean pull Cas down closer, his own hands resting on the man's hips.

There weren't many occasions where they could meet with their own colleges and schedules but Dean and Cas always made it a point to visit each other whenever they could. Like this time when Cas had travelled down to Berkeley to spend a day with him. At first Dean was hesitant about being close; he was always wary of what others would say. Cas seemed to understand that though he wasn't all that happy about it. So they stuck to kissing and hugging behind closed doors and in dark corners.

"I told Sam" Cas mumbled between kisses making Dean freeze.

"What?" he asked in a disoriented voice. Cas took a breath before calmly looking into his eyes.

"I told Sam. He called last week and we got talking. One thing led to another and I told him about us." Cas explained, ignorant to the panic building inside Dean.

"Why?!" Dean scrambled up from the chair, pushing Cas back "Why did you tell him? Cas, I told you not to tell anyone! I _told_ you!"

Cas looked concerned at the frantic expression on Dean's face "Dean, it's just Sam. He won't judge us. He's your brother." He tried calming the hyperventilating man before him.

Dean pushed away the hand that tried to hold him "How can you say that? How do you know? He's my baby brother Cas! God! How will I explain this to him now?! Why'd you have to ruin it Cas?! How could you ruin things for me?!" his voice was rising an octave with every word but Dean was beyond reasoning.

Cas stood still for a moment, taking in the words Dean hurled at him. There was no denying that he was hurt. He felt stupid and hurt by what Dean was saying. He almost yelled back and decided to walk away when he stopped and thought. He could see that Dean was scared – truly scared. He tried to rethink the meaning of what Dean was saying. Watching the shaking hands and wide blown eyes, Cas realized that Dean didn't grasp that he had told just Sam and not everybody. The thought of someone knowing about his changed preference had clouded the fact that the person was his brother who was always happy for Dean.

Taking a sudden decision Cas walked to the bedside table and poured a glass of water. He didn't hurry things, allowing Dean to fix his attention on him. Once he had filled the glass, he calmly walked back to Dean and stood with the glass outstretched. Dean still looked petrified but his eyes had become focussed again and he took the glass with shaking hands. Cas let him drink the water in silence, his eyes fixed on Dean's face. When the water was finished, he took the glass back and placed it aside. Holding out a hand, he waited for Dean to take the hint.

Dean saw the hand and hesitated for a minute before placing his own in it. He saw Cas lead them to his bed and gesturing him to sit. When he sat on the mattress, Cas knelt down on the floor before him, his hand still not leaving him.

"Do you remember when Sam came home one day and told us that he had kissed a girl for the first time?" Cas asked in a gentle tone.

Dean frowned but nodded. He remembered the panic and misery Sam had shown. He had been nervous that he had ruined things with the girl with the sudden kiss.

"Do you think he was wrong to tell us about it?" Cas continued, his thumb now drawing soothing circles on Dean's hand.

Dean simply shook his head. He was his brother and he would always be there for Sam. _Oh.._

Cas saw the minute Dean's panic was replaced with realization. He knew that Dean was calm now only because it was just Sam. He wondered when they would be ready to be who they were without such reservations but didn't focus on that now.

"I won't do anything to hurt you Dean" Cas said, his voice choking with love "Even if I am ever forced to choose between right and wrong, I would gladly choose wrong if it meant you are safe. I can't ever ruin things for you. I can promise that in any way you need, but you need to trust me on this."

Dean searched Cas' eyes for any hint of doubt but found only care, confidence and love. He found himself nodding his head. Taking a deep breath he cracked a small smile.

"I panicked without reason huh?" he commented sheepishly. Cas cocked his head slightly but shook his head.

"No, not without reason" he replied "I should have informed you before telling Sam. I wasn't being responsible."

Dean's smile widened at that and he brought his forehead forward to touch Cas'.

"You know, I think I like you too much" he whispered making Cas chuckle.

"Yeah, I love you too" he replied, staying in the same position.

As Dean watched Cas drive back to Stanford, he felt the lightening pendant beneath his shirt. Touching it lightly he smiled to himself.

"I love you too"


	6. Chapter 6

Dean groaned at the irritating beeping to his side. He tried blocking it out with a pillow but the damned sound wriggled its way through it. He flung out a hand to the other side of the bed to nudge his bed-mate to take care of it, but found the side empty.

"Caaaaas!" he wailed, plopping two pillows onto his face to block out the devil's beeping. He waited for five seconds before putting a hand out and knocking the device onto the floor.

Dean and the alarm clock never got along.

Without bothering to open his eyes completely, he flung the covers off his body and trudged down a path he had perfected after uncountable similar days. His feet deftly avoided the coffee table, the crooked floor lamp and the ridiculous zebra patterned sofa before reaching the open kitchen. From that point his nose took over and led him to the point where he could smell fresh coffee brewing.

Eyes still closed, Dean's hands shot out and wrapped around a slightly shorter body wearing a shirt that smelled like him.

"I hate your clock. He's evil. Destroy him." Dean mumbled into the back of his boyfriend, who simply elbowed him in the ribs lightly.

"Well he feels the same about you" Dean heard the smile in Cas' voice and gave his hips a light squeeze as a warning.

"Coffee" he mumbled, still clinging to the warm body moving around to pick up mugs and spoons. If his eyes were open, Dean would have seen that they looked like a human train, him following Cas wherever he went.

Cas didn't mind – in fact he was used to this. Sure, sometimes Dean would wake up before him; just to try and prove that he was responsible and mature too. But it always ended in Dean sleeping while standing in the kitchen and the coffee pot almost bursting.

Filling two cups of coffee, Cas walked towards the sofa, pulling Dean along with him. When they reached it, Dean plopped on it and Cas thrust his mug in his hands. It took a couple of sips before he could open his eyes and see the light.

He looked to his right to find Cas shaking his head with an amused yet disapproving frown.

"I'll brush after this." Dean defended himself lazily, even before Cas reprimanded him. The shorter guy simply chuckled and leaned into Dean comfortably.

The couple enjoyed their morning coffee peacefully for a few minutes before Cas felt Dean shift a little. He knew what was going to come and let out a small sigh.

"Last night was interesting." Dean remarked in what he thought was a normal, casual tone. To Cas it sounded like the time Dean was bursting and needed to pee before things got awkward.

"Dean, you promised." Cas reminded him gently, trying to end the conversation.

"Hey, I promised not to fight or argue or give you hell about it. I didn't promise not to talk about it. We can have a conversation like grown-ups." Dean retorted.

Cas sat up at that and snorted "Dean, if you're grown up then I'm an exotic belly dancer."

"I wouldn't mind that." Dean shot back with a leer making Cas roll his eyes "But seriously Cas, we need to talk about it. This is a big deal."

Cas simply drank his coffee, watching Dean from above his cup. Finally placing the cup down, he sat back and crossed his arms, "Ok, what do you want to talk about?"

"Are you gonna take up the offer?" Dean asked the first question immediately.

Brazil sounded like an amazing place for a vacation or a carnival. But Cas wasn't offered either of these. Ten months. Ten months of extensive internship with the rural health care system. To Cas it could have sounded like a brilliant opportunity but to Dean it sounded like a bottomless pit.

"Yes" Cas responded, his eyes challenging Dean to argue. They had already been through almost 4 hours of arguments and fighting last night.

Luckily for him, Dean remembered his promise and kept his frustration in check. "Why? You can always get an equally good project anywhere in the country. So why Brazil?"

Cas thought for a moment, while avoiding Dean's eyes. It was a reasonable question – at least compared to the insane ones he had been asked the previous night.

"I can find a project here" Cas began, searching for the right words "but it won't be the same. I chose paediatrics over neuro for a reason Dean. I want to help kids get a better chance at health care. And not just those of this country. As a doctor, I want to help as many people as I can and this opportunity gives me the chance to help those who need it the most. You heard Dr. Gladstow yesterday. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity."

Dean was fighting hard to stick to his promise. Cas saw the opportunity and the good he could do for others, but he couldn't see what Dean could. Ten months was a long time and he wouldn't be able to see Cas for the entire time. He trusted Cas, really did. But he couldn't trust fate or destiny or whatever crap people called it. He had never been on the good side of it when he was alone. Whenever Cas had left him alone, Dean had faced the worst parts of life. Maybe he was being selfish. Maybe he wasn't thinking about the good of others. But Dean knew that he was born with bad luck and Cas was the only part of his life that changed it. With this new separation at hand, Dean believed that things would go back to being bad.

"And what about our lifetime? What if this opportunity threatens to destroy us? What if you had to choose between us and this opportunity?" Dean's voice was threatening to break with fear and anger but he held them back.

"Why would I have to choose between both Dean? This is just a project, not my entire life. Why do you think worst of it? Nothing will change. We'll still be us, just ten months older than today." Cas tried to make his boyfriend see his reasoning.

Dean stared into Cas' eyes for minute, trying to find some way to change his mind. When he found none, he simply stood up and went back to the kitchen with their cups.

The entire day Dean avoided Cas' attempts at talking. He went to his work and ignored the thirteen messages from Cas. Working with the FBI was always good at distracting him from other things, but today was different. He knew that he was being a dick but there was something in his gut that scared him about this project.

When he came back home that night, he found it empty. Cas was running a late shift and would be back in some time if things went smoothly at the hospital. Dean took a shower and gathered his thoughts, deciding to give Cas the benefit of doubt. As he came out of the shower into their room in just a towel, he saw a huddled figure sitting on the bed.

"Cas?" he called out, looking for a reaction. For a few seconds he didn't get any and Dean walked over in front of him to see him better.

"Cas, babe what's wrong?" he tried again, worried that something had happened to him. When he saw Cas lift his head and finally look at him, Dean was stunned to see tears in his eyes.

"Babe, what's wrong? What happened?" Dean knelt on the floor before Cas and cupped his face gently, trying to read his eyes. He felt Cas lean into his palm slightly.

"He looked like you." Cas whispered, his eyes looking at Dean's chest. Dean frowned and tilted his face a bit to make him look at him.

"Who? Did you meet someone today?" Cas shook his head at the question before pausing and nodding.

"A kid. A 10 year old kid."

Dean tried to join pieces and form a picture of what Cas was saying but didn't understand much. He had seen Cas upset after many cases when they couldn't do well. He didn't however see Cas cry over any of it. Usually he ranted about it, rattling off the mistakes and learning ways to not repeat them again. He never cried.

"What happened to the kid babe?" Dean asked, his thumb drawing soothing circles over Cas' cheekbone.

The shuddering breath from the broken man before him made Dean's heart clutch. He had never seen Cas this shattered. After brief moments of silence and support, Cas looked back into his eyes.

"He was beaten up by his father. His internal organs were almost pulp. He had green eyes that didn't close. He died under my hands, his last heartbeat stopping before my next started. He had green eyes, brown hair, a scar above his chin and he died. I let him die."

Cas' voice sounded dead and suddenly Dean realized what had happened. Cas had likened the boy to him and had imagined that Dean had died. He felt a painful lurch in his heart and pulled the face in his hands closer to kiss his lips.

"I'm sorry" he whispered when their lips parted "I'm so sorry Cas. What can I do to help?" Dean wanted to do something to bring back warmth into the cold skin in his hands.

Cas stared at him with such intensity that Dean forgot to breath "Make me forget. Make me forget everything except you."

The moment the words left his mouth Dean leaned forward and captured Cas' lips in a kiss that left no room to breathe. He felt hands cling to his shoulders desperately and pushed Cas back onto the bed. Without breaking the kiss, he leaned down and worked the clothes off his boyfriend. Cas didn't stop him; simply clutching onto his back, blunt nails digging into pale skin.

When he had removed every stitch of clothing between them, Dean dipped to kiss his way down the shivering body beneath him. When he reached the dip of his navel, Dean felt Cas' hands pulling him back up.

"No time. Please. Please.." the frantic whisper made Dean kiss Cas harder. Obeying his lover, Dean positioned himself between legs that opened to love him. With a sharp thrust, he joined them in the way only love understood. He saw Cas gasp, a single tear roll down his cheek and leant down to kiss it away. Pushing back, he set a rhythm that he knew from ages. It was just like reading a book you had loved and read a million times – every touch felt familiar, every whisper sounded clearer and the end seemed like coming home.

When he finally felt Cas arch his back and squeeze every inch of warmth from him, he joined him in the fall down the crevice.

Later, after they had made love again and not lust like before, he felt Cas cuddle into his side with his palm right above his heart. "I don't have to go. I need to save lives here first" he whispered into Dean's skin, making the taller man smile and turn to face him.

"And you'll do it brilliantly." He assured, kissing the lips he had kissed in every dream.

Cas ended up rejecting the offer of Brazil and worked double hard to give his best in every case. Dean was doing well in the FBI too, the last year's mistakes helping him work better and faster. Together they saved lives and their conscience in the ways they knew best.

It was perfect for the world they had built together.

And then Christmas arrived.

"Sam's coming tomorrow." Dean informed the guy sprawled out on the bed with books surrounding him. It was Christmas Eve and Cas had to leave for the hospital in about an hour. He simply nodded his head, eyes not leaving the book he was reading. Dean shook his head before getting back to decorating the tree.

Since both of them led busy lives, it was very rare that they actually got to spend quality time together. That was the reason why Dean had woken up at an ungodly hour of 4.30 in the morning to decorate the tree with Cas. Given that Cas had refused to do all the hard work, Dean was currently decorating it to the best he could. He had laid out the Angel bauble for Cas to put on top.

When he finished covering the tree with as much junk he could, Dean felt hands wrap around him and a quick kiss on his neck.

"My turn" Cas quipped before picking up the crystal Angel and placing it on the apex of the tree. Dean laughed at the proud expression on Cas' face – it didn't matter that _he_ had done all the work; Cas was just happy with the Angel. It was something he had picked up on the way from the hospital a few days back. Dean thought it was overrated but Cas maintained that it was cute. So, cute it was.

"You're getting the shift off tomorrow right?" Dean asked as he saw Cas pick up his things and rush towards the hospital. Cas simply nodded, his mouth filled with sandwich. Pecking Dean's lips with the full mouth, he rushed out the front door. Dean sighed to himself before walking to the window to see him off.

Cas rushed down the stairs of the apartment while chewing on the sandwich. On the last step, he almost dashed into a tall, bald and dark man. Stumbling back, he apologized but it only came out as garbled sounds. Cas tried to sneak out by the other guy's side but was once again blocked. He looked up in confusion and found bloodshot eyes staring at him. He felt a shiver of fear down his spine but simply moved sideways, gesturing the other guy to go ahead. When he didn't get any response again, Cas started to get annoyed. Swallowing his sandwich, he excused himself before rushing out to his old battered car. He looked back one last time and found that the guy was still staring at him. Brushing it off as a creepy drunk, Cas got in and drove off to yet another busy day.

Above him, behind the second floor window, Dean wondered why Cas had been staring at the stairs before getting into the car. He tried to lean out the window and see who was there but couldn't see much. Suddenly he heard the telephone ring and went to pick it up. As he chatted with Sam about spending Christmas together, Dean felt things were finally going perfectly.


End file.
